Good intentions and high expectations

I have taken a very long hiatus in blogging. I had this grand plan of blogging my way through adventures in Alaska and a year long deployment. I remember the last serious blog I wrote was filled with excitement at the possibilities that awaited us in the Last Frontier. I had good intentions when it came to what I would be doing as an Army wife, as a mom, as an EMT. I had drive and motivation and only high hopes for the next few years. I look back and think how I let myself fall into a naive state of mind that left me wide open for disappointment. This is what happens when you start forgetting who you are, and when you expect too much.

These past two years have been quite the journey; albeit not at all the journey I envisioned when the plane landed in the Golden Heart City. The first thing I did wrong was to make plans before I had anything to go on. On post housing- impossible to get into. A year long wait with an 18 month old and a large dog just wasn't going to do. After spending a month in temporary lodging, with no real renting possibilities, we decided to get serious about buying a house. If you understand Basic Allowance for Housing, you will understand that people who rent out their houses know exactly how much to ask for because it is usually the exact price of the BAH of the clientele they are looking to attract. Paying your own mortgage is cheaper and is better for your credit anyway.

When we walked into this house, my jaw dropped. I literally had tears in my eyes and couldn't speak. It was the kind of moment like the one when you try on your wedding gown and you just know it's the one. This house was THE ONE. My dream Alaskan house. A gorgeous, log home with a huge yard in a small town in a quiet neighborhood. My spirits were lifted after being bummed about not being able to live on post. I could DEFINITELY survive here.

The moving trucks came and the control freak came out. After 8 moves I had a system and I had it down to a science. Kitchen first, baby's room next, living room, dining room and on and on...in a matter of days I was ready to repaint the horrendous bathroom that was a bandaid brown color. And so, Alaskan life began.

It is true what they say about the first winter being the worst. There were people who had lived here many years telling me that once you had survived that first winter, you were an honorary Alaskan. I remember thinking, yeah right. I'll never get used to living here. It was cold and dark and I mostly just remember thinking how much I hated it. My grandfather had passed away and I was lamenting being here. After spending a month back east at home with my family and friends I swore I wasn't coming back. With an upcoming deployment I knew I would be safe in Pennsylvania. I would be able to work and have support and be somewhat comfortable in my old world. Then I thought of all the things I would miss if I chose to do that. I had gone home for the first deployment, I knew what that was like. I had said "see you soon" to DH when I was in my second trimester and didn't see him again until Little Tink was two months old. What would I be teaching my daughter if I couldn't buck up and get through our second deployment in the place her father was stationed?

So we returned to the subarctic and endured our first winter with lots of illness and a concussion for me...note to anyone living in or visiting Alaska in the winter: It is NOT important to look cute when there is ice on the ground. Uggs keep your feet warm, but YakTrax or ugly boots with good grips on the bottom will keep you from cracking your head like an egg. Things were not going well and with every bought of strep throat, pneumonia and eventually the return of my heart issues, I was getting more and more tired of living somewhere I had to try so hard and be cooped up so long. There just isn't much to do with a toddler when you have air quality advisories and dangerous temperatures. I admit, I didn't try very hard. I had stopped trying with friends and I had all but given up on making this the best experience of a lifetime. After finding out the only way I could be a practicing EMT here was to volunteer and not make money to pay for the daycare I would need for Little Tink and attend at least two evening training sessions a month, I was frustrated. I couldn't possibly do that because I refuse to pay someone else to put my child to bed. Add another slam to my expectations. Every corner I turned I felt myself being brought down lower and lower by limits and things turning out completely opposite of how I intended them to. Instead of getting out of my own head and making things happen, I accepted defeat and sunk down lower. Not a good place to be in when you're facing a deployment, eh? I agree.

For some reason I let self pity and my disdain for the Army after living with Air Force life for so long (DH is prior Air Force) dictate my attitude, my thought process and my decision making. I didn't care that I had pushed almost all of my new friends away, I didn't want to be a part of a life that I thought was bringing me down. Instead of taking responsibility I thought, "It must be the Army's fault. They have no regard for families, no concern for the well being of their soldiers, and absolutely no class." Bitter and cynical much?

When you let yourself stop caring, when you forget who you truly are, when you let bad overshadow the good, you are only asking for trouble. Looking back there are so many things I would've, should've, could've done differently that would have changed the direction of the fate of our Alaskan tour. I can now stand up and accept responsibility without living in a state of self pity, but I can't help thinking how wonderful it actually could have been.

Lessons learned: Not everyone has good intentions. No one should ever just be given your trust because they are supposed to be trusted. When you are at your lowest point there are always people who will look to take advantage of that, get a good poker face. Give people just enough that they are able to know you, but are unable to break you to the point of not being able to recognize yourself. Always take responsibility for yourself. That is one of the most important things I have put into practice in the past 8 months, and oddly enough it came from a parenting seminar. I can't control what anyone else does, how they feel or think. I can only control my actions, my thoughts, and how I react to my feelings. Choosing to rise above how absolutely low I thought someone else MADE me feel was one of the best things I have done in a long time.

Here's where we let go of self pity, kids...Are you ready? Stand in front of the mirror, look yourself directly in the eye and say, "You know what? I screwed up. I am a human being and I acted like one. I'm allowed to make a few mistakes and I'm allowed to not be perfect. I got hurt, move on and choose to learn from it instead of crying over it." There, isn't that better than hating yourself for being completely normal?

If it weren't for the horrible things, I would not know exactly what truly wonderful people I have in my life. Once you share what seems so unspeakable to those few people closest to you, and they surprise you by saying "It's ok, we love you and are still here for you', you know exactly who will be in your life forever. That is something I would never wish away. Finding out who will stand by without judgment, with only love and forgiveness in their hearts is one of the most valuable things to come out of something you find so horrific and life altering.

So now that I am finally letting people see the light in my eyes again, I am able to move on. Onward and upward...I heard that somewhere, probably from the ever so witty DH. I realize with all of my explanation of how I ruined what should have been a wonderful, once in a lifetime experience, I seem like a downer, but stick with me, I promise to only get better. The coldest place I have ever been can hang on to the coldest person I have ever known. I'll remember the midnight sun and take all that is beautiful and wonderful about Alaska with me.

As far as good intentions and high expectations, I plan to stay realistic. Things are going to work out the way they are going to work out. I can go into everything with a positive attitude and have good intentions, but I am only in control of me. No expectations except that I will do better, be better and get better as time goes on.  So here's to making the last few months in a gorgeous place the best ones yet.