There is a time in high school I remember very clearly. When you start filling out applications for different colleges and universities...trying to figure out what you are going to do with your life because the simplicity of childhood is almost over. There was pressure and it was a little scary, but mostly exciting.
I was accepted to a wonderful private college, going into their respiratory therapy program. I ended up dropping out after figuring out EMS is what I wanted to do full time. Things clicked and I loved my life. I was feeling ready for paramedic school, and then things changed again. I accepted a marriage proposal from the man I had been waiting for, the man I was in love with since I was 15. Life became about us, not me. I worked and volunteered, living a crazy military lifestyle. Then we decided to have a baby. Deployments and TDY's, PCS's and experiences came and went. I became the type of person who got restless staying in one place more than a year or two. I was content doing EMS when I could, being a stay at home mom and taking care of my family.
Now here we are and I feel like I am back to that same time in high school. Only this time there is no excitement. There is no feeling of the world waiting for me. There is only sadness at the thought of the life we had built and were building, ending. The dream retirement home in Charleston, SC has now turned into planning for a modest home in PA that Tink and I would be comfortable in. Going back to where I was raised, spent 20 years wanting to get away from, and did, now is the only place that seems practical. With my health issues and a child to put first, my dreams are now different. If you can call them dreams.
Making sure Tink gets the best opportunities available, making sure she has family near, keeping her happy and healthy, providing a life in a safe place for her to grow and learn. It has not been about me, or us, since she was born, but we always made her fit into our life, and now I feel as though she will be the only thing I have to focus on.
Don't get me wrong, I know at 27 my life isn't over to people looking in from the outside. Thanks to the Major I have many options for education. Thanks to loyal friends, co-workers and bosses, I have a place to work. I have people I know will be there. But to be 27 and thinking about starting all over, to think I may have had the best experiences I will ever have in the last 7 years, isn't exactly up-lifting. I am very thankful for the things I have done and seen that some people will never do or see. Because of our life, we have many exciting stories and memories. It's hard to let go of, the life you saw for yourself and your family. The worst thing that was supposed to happen was us getting a really crappy assignment like Folk Polk, LA, Fort Bragg, NC or Fort Irwin, CA. The ones you scream "no no no!! and beg your husband to change his MOS to avoid when they come up on your list. Now I would go anywhere to avoid what is happening. I wouldn't complain about a deployment or a field exercise. I wouldn't get angry at the muddy boot prints or smelly gym bag in the kitchen.
The Major is able to get into his uniform and go to post with me about once a week and I think, there is no way that man has terminal cancer. There is no way he could have been told he was going to die 3 times now. He should be at work. We should be in Seattle right now, him working for the new Division and me volunteering with an ambulance in Tacoma. We should be exploring and hiking, swimming and biking. And yet, there I was just a few days ago, crying as I signed papers to put an offer on land. It was so ridiculous. Some people don't get the opportunity to buy land and start from scratch, and my husband has provided a very good life for us. Even if it wasn't what we had envisioned, he is still making sure we are taken care of. So I realize I may seem like a person who isn't happy with anything, but that isn't the case. It's letting go of what I thought was supposed to be. It's feeling like I am being exiled back to a place that I never wanted to settle in. To those of you living there, it is not a slam on you or the area, I simply do not feel at home there. To me, it is taking the easy way out in my situation. If it weren't for fear of my illnesses leaving Savannah with sitters and strangers until family could reach her, I would love to take us somewhere new. If we can make it together in Alaska, she and I can do anything.
To end this post I should focus on something positive. I know what I am coming back to, and I know I will overcome the negativity because of it. I want my child raised as I was. Where God is still talked about in school, where people take your word with a handshake, neighbors don't watch you struggle with something, they walk right into your yard and help. People may not keep to themselves, but that isn't always a bad thing. I have friends whom I would trust with my life, whom I have trusted with family members' lives. I may be a different person than when I left, but I promise I have not forgotten where I came from. I am still the girl who would do anything for you or your family. I am still the person you can call in the middle of the night for anything. I can also tell you that is how Tink will be raised. When I shake someone's hand to make a deal and tell them "You know my dad, that is what you get with me", and they smile and nod, I get a great feeling. I want Tink to be able to say that. I want her to have pride in where she comes from and not have to ask for handouts from anyone. So as sad as I may be about losing this military lifestyle, I can be somewhat comfortable knowing we are welcomed back with the open, loving arms of our small community.
