Cold

When sad things happen, sad to the point of feeling devastated and empty, I get this complete cold sensation from the inside out. My doctor swears there is no correlation between coldness and sadness, but I don't believe that. Today someone I counted on and trusted, someone I leaned on and who made dreary days brighter informed me they had enough. A back was turned on me and I felt as though I were standing alone in the middle of nowhere, with my pathetic self sobbing and begging and no one could hear me. 

There are temporary fixes for the coldness. A hot shower, sitting in the sunlight, a warm mug of tea. But the heartache from what is life right now doesn't stop hurting and the coldness creeps back in. 

The hard shell of a person that the Major somehow softened and made into a loving, giving, compassionate wife and mother is wanting to come back. Protect my heart at all cost from anyone and everyone. Little Tink will never have to deal with my hardened heart, as she is the only ray of sunlight. The major's good days also make me smile. And it seems he is the only person who will ever have found that person in me. Others chose to ruin it. And no one else is worth keeping it around for. No one else is worth trusting. Not anyone who doesn't already have my love and trust any way. 

It's a hard thing to write when you feel like your heart is being ruined. Physically and emotionally. Don't hate me too much for this post. I just need some of the bitterness to come out of my head.