Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again...

"I'm standing strong

but I'm still on my knees praying

That nothing in this world

will ever break my heart again

Nothing in this world

will ever break my heart again

No pain this life will put me through

will ever, ever hurt

like you"

~Hayden Panettiere

I heard this song on the finale of Nashville. I broke down crying. I have stopped communicating with a lot of you, and for that I apologize. I have turned inward since the Major's last hospital stay. Taking care of him is something I will never complain about. It isn't something that I feel burdened with. But it is something that is tearing my heart into a million pieces. The thing is I don't want pity, and neither does he. We are so grateful for the love and support our friends and family have and keep showing. But there seem to be no words left for us to say.

During the last stay in the hospital the Major's medications were changed. Mostly his seizure medications, although he has more for pain now as well. These changes came about because of uncontrolled seizures and an increase in pain. We also found out there is a collapsed bronchial tube caused by a tumor in his lung. This brought on the need for constant oxygen. The medications have changed the man I have known for 15 years. He is someone who can't carry on a conversation like before. He is easily confused and sleeps most of the time. Although I am missing my daughter like crazy, I believe it is better for her to be spending her summer with her grandparents and cousins, away from all of this pain and suffering. Some people might argue that she needs as much time with her daddy as she can get, but I can tell you that the time right now is so full of struggle and pain that I would rather she didn't remember that.

I have sunken into music, much like the song above. It is so quiet in this house and there are times I can't stand it. I enjoy being able to read and have some peace, but some times my thoughts are too loud and overwhelming and I want to drown them out. I don't believe it can be explained how it feels to live out a life you chose, you planned on, and were enjoying...and then suddenly it stops. In the matter of a year we have gone from a very active Army family who could pack up a house and get ready for a deployment or temporary duty assignment with little notice and no complaint - to one who only knows cancer, hospital procedures, ER protocols, medical equipment and more terminology and pharmacology than I have learned in 10 years as an EMT. I understand that life changes. We adapt very well as a family. But this is not something you are told to prepare for at 27.

There are a lot of people who say "don't give up hope"...and I don't think that you understand. It's not about giving up hope. As angry and as bitter as I get, there is still that little voice inside me saying "there's always a chance until there isn't". The reality I live in is this: I have a 37 year old husband who has stage IV melanoma and has been fighting it for over a year. He is rapidly losing weight and seeing more complications as time goes on. He faces them bravely and without complaining. He is tired. He is fragile. He knows what is happening to his body. We have a 4 year old daughter that I must prepare, but with her childlike faith, she comforts me instead saying things like "Don't worry Mommy, Daddy will live with Jesus and we'll see him again". She is my strength and I am more than thankful for her. I must decide where to settle. I must let go of the plan that we had. I have to make up a new one. From scratch. I wasn't ready to decide where I wanted to settle, for rushing back into school to find a new career...one that will be adaptable to being a single parent, or for looking down the road and only being uncertain.

There are dark places your mind goes when you live with something like this. People don't like to hear about the thoughts you have. They want to tell you to forget them, it will all be ok. Just keep positive. There is a reason that doesn't help. That is no outlet for someone forced to live in a reality that may not be so pretty, so positive, so miraculous. And what I would like to tell anyone who may be going through the same thing is this: It is ok to have those thoughts, to be sad, to be angry, to cry. It is ok to not be strong all of the time. People ask how in the world you can be so strong, and sometimes I would like to ask "What would you think if I wasn't?"I think a lot of the outward strength has a lot to do with other people, the ones we are caring for, and maybe even our children. I have learned that I can keep going without feeling only so long. I can push through and refuse to face the heartache, but eventually I am forced to stop, and then I am overwhelmed with fear and pain. If I let myself deal with my feelings on a daily basis, it is easier to keep them in check.

Lastly, a few weeks ago I attended the memorial service of a wonderful friend from high school. What I remember most about the time we spent together is the very best year, the very best friends, the very best experiences of my whole high school career. He had a very serious form of brain cancer and it took him from his beautiful wife and three young children. I sat with one of my sweetest friends and cried. I cried for the woman who stood and was the perfect example of what God's grace can do, for her children, for their families...and selfishly for myself, for my husband, and for my daughter. It was like looking into what I am told my future will be. My very sweet friend sang this song, and then came back and held me as I sobbed.

In a few minutes I will count out medications, check the water in the humidifier of the oxygen concentrator, and make sure the Major is comfortable for the night. I might make a few laps around a too big, empty house to see what chores may be done tomorrow, and then figure out how to pass the time until sleep comes. 

Thank you dear friends. Thank you for your love, your prayers, your messages, your texts, your calls, and surprises in the mail. As angry and confused as I may get about the road life is leading me down, I can honestly say I am thankful that it has put each one of you on a crossing path.