Fair weather friends and unconditional love

I don't know how to tell you what it is like to hear someone you love screaming in pain. I don't know how to tell you what it's like to have someone you think of as one of the most brilliant people you know, no longer be able to carry on a conversation with you. I don't know how to explain seeing sheer terror in their eyes, or the far away look that comes and goes. I can't effectively paint a picture of the helpless feelings, the frustration, the sadness, the anger... I have no idea how to make you understand the ups and downs, being afraid to be too happy on the good days, and trying not to lose hope on the bad days. 

I can tell you that a lot of people are to thank for keeping me upright. I also know that a lot of people give me too much credit. Giving me compliments that they admire my strength and what I am doing. I am not the strong one here. The person who is fighting the battle for life is the strong one. I am merely an advocate and a cheerleader, doing what I do out of love. I have heard some stories of families who walk away. I can't imagine that. That is not who I am. But I can say it's not easy to watch this. It is even harder for the person who is going through it, and many days I wish it were me instead. The good person is suffering, the wrong person. He is surrounded by love and people who are doing for him, but people need to realize what a fighter he is. So if people say I am the reason he is still going, I appreciate that, but it's a team effort. 

I have no desire to talk right now. We have 4 assigned social workers, I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist, as well as an electrophysiologist, a hematologist, nurse friends, and the brigade surgeon looking out for our mental and physcial health. I get out what needs to get out and we move on. I have caring friends and family. The phone doesn't stop, but right now I am ignoring it. Not because I don't love each and every one of you, but because I am exhausted. Explaining and answering has become too much because things are day by day.  

Things have changed. The Major has finally been assigned to a different unit who has been present in overwhelming numbers since he got readmitted on Tuesday. I have met so many people and have so many business cards...and they don't just show up and leave. They keep coming, they sit outside until early hours of the morning, and then come back. The best part is, they were like instant family. They are loving and kind and upbeat. They have already done so much for us, as well as the Major's family. Things I didn't know to ask for, things I didn't know were possible. I have a huge weight lifted off, and I am finally able to start caring for myself a little. 

The reason this is so important to me is this: I know I have worn people out. I know that people forget to overlook my attitude, that things I say might be from an anger and fear so deep I can't often stop it. People will say "I have no idea how you do it", or "I can't imagine what you're going through", but turn around and use the weakness of lashing out against you. Taking it personally. Turning away from you, because it's not worth it to them to stick around for the person they knew to come back. When you start speaking up for yourself some are taken aback and get offended, when all you are trying to do is be honest. I rarely handle my daughter with kid gloves, so why would I do it for grown people? I realize I can be hard to take, and even harder to love, but I do give my all to those who stick around. 

I guess to sum things up, right now, things are bad. The Major has been in decline for a few weeks, but it has hit scary level again. If anyone can fight back when it looks bad, he can, as he has time and time again. It goes back to the scared to be too hopeful and happy and scared to give up thing. You just wait and try not to react too much to a change for the worse or better. 

To the people who have put their lives on hold, who have traveled distances to help out, have sat for hours just to be here, who have stayed up late nights to chat, or listening on the phone, taken care of the dog or the Tink, brought food and Starbucks, and sent love via text, email or FB message,  sent cards or packages, THANK YOU!  To the nurses who have become family and go above and beyond for every patient they have, there is no way to ever repay you, but know you are forever in our hearts and have our eternal gratitude. I have felt like a gameshow winner this week, almost collapsing and weeping from all of the generosity of the people here, from our friends and family. What a load off, burdens lifted, and my focus is able to be where it needs to be. 

It has been suggested to me to assign a point of contact for people who would like updates more than I am able to give them, and once that is done, I will let you know on Facebook. That way whoever wants to add their email address can. Please know I appreciate all of the concern and prayers, but sometimes I don't have the strength to talk about what is going on. I do think the people who care and are praying deserve to know how we are doing though, so this is my reasoning for having someone help me out. I don't like to ask for help. I actually hate it. In the past few weeks I have started accepting it though. 

So thank you to those who let it roll off your back when things aren't good. Thank you for not making me beg for forgiveness. Thank you for being there even if we don't talk for long periods of time. And thank you for remembering the me that I really am, not the person who is going through one of the most devastating times in her life and doesn't always deal with it with grace. If there is a time that I can return the favor, please know I will not hesitate to be where I am needed. 

<3